I'm not good at writing stuff but I have the urge to post some sentences about what happened the past months..
To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if nobody noticed my absence,
since I was pretty absent in 2013 too and we're experiencing a general inactivity in this forum and DX.

Already the year 2013 was exhausting for me.
Apart of the months-long master thesis, I needed to get long with my latent depressions,
which decreased my performance significantly.
Due to that, I needed to invest much more hours of the day in order to handle the workload of the thesis.
Not least, my depressions were caused by my worries about my father, who was mentally very instable.
In the worst moments, he was even admitted to psychiatry. I didn't have contact to him for weeks and months.
Then things became better again, he even returned to work part-time.
Nevertheless, he was unstable. There were days where he felt good and then there were very depressive days again.
Apart of the depressions, he was sustaining anxiety disorder.
The ups and downs of his mood were very exausting for him, as well as for the whole family too at the end.
On 20th December I went to his work-town where he resides at weekday in order to pick him up home for Christmas.
Although he felt better again, his mental condition avoided that he can drive home himself.
On 23th december we even managed to get a christmas tree yet.
Usually, we already bought one in early December but not this time.
Over Christmas I myself felt pretty bad and depressive and I couldn't comprehend why.
There were some good moments but all in all, it was the unhappiest Christmas ever.
My dad was often just sitting on the armchair and gazing in abstraction..
or he was sitting on the bed in the bedroom and rubbing his head.
After new years eve, he became increasingly silent.
On the 5th January of this year, he drove back to his work town.
On that day, I was embittered because I felt that something is wrong but he didn't communicate anymore.
Usually we always hugged and squeezed eachother when he was about to drive back to his work town.
This time we just hugged in a halfhearted way, then he left.
Then on the 8th January, I was was visiting a friend and returned in late afternoon.
My sister was at home too. I was there for approx 30 minutes, when the phone rang.
My sister and me listened.. it was our aunt.. she was all in tears and said that our daddy took his own life..
It was a moment, I will never forget. It was so unbelievable surreal, that we couldn't comprehend that.
We were all very worried about him but THAT still came upon us unexpectedly.
In the last quater of 2013, I was often telling him: 'I hope I know what you do'
when we has having weird ideas again about what he could do to make himself feel better again.
I simply ran out of advices because his views and opinions
about some aspects of his problems were completely switching from one day to the other.
At the end it was like, he was struggling with two minds.

Well, since that day, I was pretty busy with organizing stuff and we're still not finished.
So yeah.. I hope I can decrease my absence again.
Thanks to all who were willing to read the load of text.
However, I'm not mad at those who said tl;dr, since I'm usually one of those too.

regards,
Nobody

I was reading along and empathising with your experiences as a very close member of my family has been battling against a mental illness called bi-polar disorder for many years now and it can really dominate family life more then most people can comprehend. It does have a knock on effect to others and so I'm not surprised you feel down. I was shocked to read he took his own life and I offer you my sincere condolences, I can't even begin to understand the emotions you have been going through. I'd like to thank you for sharing with us, I feel very privileged being able to read such personal accounts. The latest figures in the UK is that one in four of us will experience some kind of mental illness this year alone, which is very scary.

My sincerest condolences Noodz. This must have been an incredibly rough couple months for you and just like Chinny, I feel privileged that you'd share such a personal story with us. You'll always find good friends back here and please never hesitate to send out a PM when you're feeling in need of a little backing up. I know you as a wise and hard-working guy and I'm sure you'll be able to find the strenght to move on, and continue being as awesome and dedicated as you've always been. And do visit more often if you can!:)

Yes sincere condolences.
I think this is more common that we imagine, especially in older people who suffer dementia or parkinsons disease or have severe depression. I can understand someone not wishing to burden other loved ones and to be remembered for how they were before they were ill, however it is always difficult in this situation, they say it produces a range of emotions that is different and more varied and it's impossible to have one feeling. It's tragic and you have my sympathies. My reaction to your post is that he was thinking of his family and loved ones and could not bear to "burden" them as he saw it. My mother has said this, she does not have the will to live another 20 years, she doesn't want to be a demented 90 year old. At my age it doesn't make sense, but to someone older it makes perfect sense.

It's good of you to explain, but I feel no explanation is necessary, you've still been here for us and DXMP in general is edging towards being a lost cause and would not be here still probably if not for your efforts.

Heilige Scheiße.

Mein Beileid für dein Verlust, Noodz.
Hab mir alles durchgelesen und es schien sehr harte Monate für dich gewesen zu sein.
Ich denke mal, niemand von euch hatte das kommen sehen und niemand konnte was dadran ändern. Mit dem Satz "Ich hoffe, du weißt, was du tust" hast du auch nochmal dein Vertrauen gegenüber deinem Vater klar gemacht.

Jeder hier ist mal hier mal da und meistens Offline hier, diesen Text musstest du hier definitiv nicht reinschreiben, aber ich Respektiere deine Entscheidung, dies mit uns zu teilen.

Ich Wünsche dir alles gute man und nochmal, mein Beileid :/


No English because i can, talk to the hand